Student Smoke Sessions voted way more chill than Jeff Sessions

jeff sessions

Trent Brockton, Session Correspondent

ARCATA, CALIF. – Do not call the fire department if you see plumes of smoke coming from dorm windows at Humboldt State University.  Apparently, a new major is an up and coming favorite: Smoke Sessions.

The Smoke Session program at HSU has faced some challenges since the election.  Funding for the program has come under recent attack from the new Attorney General Jeff Sessions, until recently.  With Sessions recusal, the Smoke Sessions department at HSU has been re-up’d.

HSU senior Mary Jane Hemphill has been working diligently on her thesis even when funding for her program was under attack.

“I just kept rolling blunts and smoking giant dabs for 21 days,” she said. “Thank God for Dutchy’s Pizza, otherwise the work would be impossible to get through.”
The Smoke Session is still ongoing and staying strong.  Hemphill plans to defend her thesis to her advisers and peers at Founders Hall, Room 25, on April 20th at 4:20pm.  The public is invited.

Student Smoke Sessions voted way more chill than Jeff Sessions

Arcata City Council unanimously agrees to add further instructions to stop signs

STOP

By Hugo S’Furst, Traffic Correspondent

ARCATA, CALIF. – The City Council has reached an agreement to add further instructions to all stop signs city wide after a motion for votes was brought up by concerned citizens who complained of the confusion at intersections.

“I mean, yeah, I’ve seen those red signs, but I never really knew what they meant,” said one meeting attendee, who also admitted, “I usually go whenever it feels right; sometimes I don’t really stop at all!”

When the council asked the public in attendance what they normally do when arriving at intersections with stop signs, the consensus was just to say to other drivers, “Nah, you go, bro!”

Others maintained the appropriate way to maneuver these confusing intersections is to play “a game of chicken: the dominant driver goes first while the lesser driver has to wait.”

“Why don’t we just make every intersection a roundabout, like the one at 10th and I Streets?” an Arcata resident chimed in.

It seems no one knows quite what to do at a stop sign, but one thing is for certain: traffic accidents have gone up 97 percent since Humboldt State University resumed spring classes.

Arcata City Council unanimously agrees to add further instructions to stop signs

“Dabbing for Denver” – Broncos Fans Respond to Cam Newton’s Victory Dance

DabbingforDenver

Trent Brockman, Sports Correspondent

SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF.-  With Super Bowl 50 just around the hour, the nation anticipates the minutes until the big game. At home and on the sidelines of Levi’s Stadium, Denver Bronco fans anticipate dabbing themselves stupid with victory, but not the way Cam Newton does it.

Newton, who finished am impressive season with forty touchdowns, ten interceptions, and a quarterback rating of 99.4, celebrates his victories with a dance referred to by his Carolina Panthers fans and fellow athletes as “Dabbing.”

Off the field, and on couches all across the nation, non-athletes and Broncos fans have a whole different meaning for the term “dabbing”: Pressing cannabis extract known as hash, oil, or shatter, against a heated surface of an rigged bong or pipe, and inhaling the smoke to become exceptionally high.

In response to taking a word from their native pothead language, Broncos fans have created a victory dance of their own, just for the Super Bowl, called “Dabbing for Denver.” Each time Cam Newton is sacked, or throws an interception, Denver fans will be encouraged to consume one dab hit. Kinda like a drinking game, only with dabs.

On a day where drunken belligerence is sometimes the norm at parties and bars, Colorado authorities actually reported a lesser fear of dealing with fights or riots, mostly because dabs put people on their ass the same way the Broncos might be putting Cam Newton on his ass.

“Dabbing for Denver” – Broncos Fans Respond to Cam Newton’s Victory Dance

Dank Ass Hash Lab Explosion Gives Firemen Contact High, ‘The Giggles’

dankfire

EUREKA, CALIF. – Eureka Fire Department responded to the 1800 block of P Street last night where a hash lab caught fire and exploded, engulfing the residence and trapping a resident on the second story. The dankness of the hash allegedly gave the fireman an instant contact high upon arriving to the scene, leaving the hippie responsible for the explosion stuck inside his burning home, while they laughed and sprayed each other with hoses.

“Hey, Frank! Start singing that ‘Maniac’ song like Chris Farley from Tommy Boy!” yelled one fireman to his overweight colleague as he sprayed him with the firehose. When approached for comment on the situation, the fireman with the hose just kept yelling, “Look at his face! Look at his god damn face when I spray it; it’s hilarious!” and continued to laugh his ass off, completely unburdened by the still burning home.

Updates on the amount of the dank hash recovered from the scene will be made publicly available as soon as possible.

 

Dank Ass Hash Lab Explosion Gives Firemen Contact High, ‘The Giggles’

HSU Rebrands Name, Logo to Respect Students With Silent Letter Sensitivities

humBOLT

ARCATA, CALIF. – Humboldt State University welcomed back students today with the unveiling of a new brand: humBOLT State University, accompanied by a three-striked lightning bolt logo.

“Millennials today are facing a wide number of new and unexplained sensitivities that can affect their learning abilities if not handled appropriately,” explained a faculty member. “The worst epidemic we’ve seen recently is the inability to understand words with silent letters, such as Humboldt, and handkerchief,” she added. “The arrival of younger and more annoying millennials each semester called for a more respectful brand.”

The University hopes the change will attract 2% more annoyingly oversensitive students in the next enrollment year.

 

 

HSU Rebrands Name, Logo to Respect Students With Silent Letter Sensitivities

Eel River Flooding Washes Away Last Traces of ‘Reggae On The River’

eel river

Trent Brockman, Senior Science Correspondent

PIERCY, CALIF. – The Eel River is swelling with recent rain water, causing flooding along most areas throughout Humboldt. Scientists are most astonished by the raging water’s ability to finally wash away the urine and crap left over from last summer’s Reggae on the River music festival.

“There’s been so much pee here for years,” said a local woman who said she herself peed on the banks of the Eel while intoxicated during last year’s festival. “I didn’t even swim last year…just added to the pee and environmental devastation.”

Flooding has been welcomed and experts are optimistic on these processes, due to the multi-year California drought. Current river levels have not reached this high since 2013, making this the first ROTR rinse in almost three years.

Due to this phenomenon of natural cleaning, ROTR 2016 may have the chance of being swimmable, thanks to our good friend El Niño.

Eel River Flooding Washes Away Last Traces of ‘Reggae On The River’

Flooding, Mudslides, Road Closures Seriously Hindering Weed Export

BFD8E9273492777D89EF5D74CBC07A5C_787_442

Trent Brockman, Senior Science Correspondent

Humboldt County, Calif. – Winter storms are reeking havoc on North Coast highways and roads, resulting in multiple landslides and other flooding that has closed access both in and out of the county. Most effected by these recent El Nino effects are residents who have hella weed to sell.

“Sorry bro, but nothing is moving today,” said a source who requested to remain anonymous, but did mention he was calling from a burner phone on the side of 299 where he is stranded for the night with $10,000 in cash and no way to enter the county by road.

More on these frightening economic conditions as the situation develops.

Flooding, Mudslides, Road Closures Seriously Hindering Weed Export