HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CALIF. – The Board of Supervisors received a press release today, from the fat man himself:
Grow, ho, ho!
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and whatever else is offensive this year!
Christmas is near, and Santa has but one request from all the nice boys and girls of Humboldt County…
Please, oh please, won’t you leave me some fire ass shatter by the Christmas tree this year?
That shit is expensive.
Santa is scheduled to be flying over our area sometime late on December 24, so be sure to have your butane refilled and ready to go by early evening.
For more info, and to track Santa’s flight schedule, click here.
By Matt Redbeard
FERNDALE, CALIF. – A local cow farmer was drunkenly reminiscing about school yard fights late last night, prompting the sober realization this morning that the boy he punched in elementary school was Guy Fieri, leaving the man upset with himself for not swinging harder.
Guy Fieri (pronounced “FAIRY” but changed to sound less gay, probably so people wouldn’t punch him) is originally from the cow town of Ferndale and now hosts “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives” on the Food Network.
The farmer man’s brain exploded with the sour memory while milking his beautiful bovines alongside his bros early this morning and discussing the enlightening school conversations from the night before.
His friend was all like, “Remember you popped the firecracker shrimp in the face?” The farmer man replied,”What?” and his friend was all like,”Yep, that pretzel dweeb. You know the Guy from the TV?”
That’s when the farmer man realized the painful truth: He totally should have swung hard.
The men agreed they’d punch him harder next time they saw him, then they finished their cube pack of Coors and blew up their televisions.
HYDESVILLE, CALIF. – Local 911 dispatch reported Monday that an out of town couple who called to report a car fire said they didn’t stop to help the driver or burning passengers because they were “riding dirty” and didn’t want to get in trouble.
“It’s not like we’re monsters, you know, man?” said Damien Broseph, the caller who drove by the wreck with his girlfriend in the car, Meghan Femeanist. “It’s sad that those people and their family were burning alive, but we have thirty shitty outdoor pounds from last year in our backseat that we have to worry about.”
Broseph and Femeanist were reportedly en route to Santa Rosa after picking up a bunch of moldy pounds as a last desperation plot to make some cash and finally get off of their parent’s trust fund.
Dispatch also reported that while Broseph was explaining the situation, the phone sounded as if it was grabbed from his hand in a scuffle, where Femeanist allegedly let dispatch know her female opinion was clearly the most important of the entire situation.
“As a woman, I felt that letting my boyfriend stop to help a car on the side of the road was too gender cliche, you know?” she said.
The family reportedly all died, and the hippies were later robbed by locals.
By Matt Redbeard
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CALIF. – A recent storm hit areas of the county today, leaving at least six local witches melted in the floods.
ARCATA, CALIF. – Area woman known as Sunflower, a popular transient, announced her decision to audition to become the newest member of the California Raisins.
“I just feel like I already have the look down,” she said. “My skin has had many years of drying in the sun and very much resembles a raisin.”
Sunflower brings many talents to the already well-established California group, including yelling shit that doesn’t make any sense and wearing ridiculous outfits.
“I’m excited to be part of a group I know really gets my style, you know? HAHA!” she added with excitement, half spitting through her dentures as she spoke, cackling laughs that sound like a garbage disposal clogged with olive pits.
Sunflower can be reached by finding her somewhere around the Arcata Plaza (probably), and we will update her audition and casting progress as we find out more.