By Kyle Howard and James Stephen, Contributors
After watching an online documentary about Indigenous People, a local man became worried that his fashion statement is adding to cultural appropriation. Since the viewing, he has been thinking about taking up extensive studies at the University’s library, but is still on the lookout for quick trim work.
“I don’t understand…I took an African-American Studies class in college. I thought I was better than that,” were his final statements after sharing concerns about his hair getting nappier.
Joe Jack-Off was truly unsure of whether or not if he was becoming aware of his white privilege or having an existential break down. In the end, the community just hopes this is a clear case of ignorance than can be remedied with a solid amount of political correctness.
By Trent Brockman, Senior Science Corespondent
KING SALMON, CALIF. – PG&E is reportedly in talks with the county to recommission the currently nonoperational Humboldt Bay Power Plant as the nation’s largest butane hash extraction lab.
As the price of marijuana falls, demand for butane hash oil (BHO) has never been higher. The price of butane hash has remained steady, even exploding at times. In-state prices have an average price of $4 to $5 thousand per pound, whereas out-of-state prices are extracting $10 to $15 thousand per pound.
Build in 1963, The Humboldt Bay Power Plant was the country’s second nuclear power plant. Not long into operation, the plant was decommissioned after previously undiscovered seismic faults, combined with more stringent operational requirements, rendered the small plant unprofitable.
Experts estimate that once in full operation, the super-industrial hash lab could yield 4 to 7 tons of butane hash oil per day. This would easily be enough to pay for startup costs in only a few weeks.
PG&E’s only major concern lies with the fear of blowing up the entire county, but told The Tomato: “Don’t worry, brah. We got this.”
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CALIF. – The Board of Supervisors received a press release today, from the fat man himself:
Grow, ho, ho!
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and whatever else is offensive this year!
Christmas is near, and Santa has but one request from all the nice boys and girls of Humboldt County…
Please, oh please, won’t you leave me some fire ass shatter by the Christmas tree this year?
That shit is expensive.
Santa is scheduled to be flying over our area sometime late on December 24, so be sure to have your butane refilled and ready to go by early evening.
For more info, and to track Santa’s flight schedule, click here.
By Matt Redbeard
FERNDALE, CALIF. – A local cow farmer was drunkenly reminiscing about school yard fights late last night, prompting the sober realization this morning that the boy he punched in elementary school was Guy Fieri, leaving the man upset with himself for not swinging harder.
Guy Fieri (pronounced “FAIRY” but changed to sound less gay, probably so people wouldn’t punch him) is originally from the cow town of Ferndale and now hosts “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives” on the Food Network.
The farmer man’s brain exploded with the sour memory while milking his beautiful bovines alongside his bros early this morning and discussing the enlightening school conversations from the night before.
His friend was all like, “Remember you popped the firecracker shrimp in the face?” The farmer man replied,”What?” and his friend was all like,”Yep, that pretzel dweeb. You know the Guy from the TV?”
That’s when the farmer man realized the painful truth: He totally should have swung hard.
The men agreed they’d punch him harder next time they saw him, then they finished their cube pack of Coors and blew up their televisions.
HYDESVILLE, CALIF. – Local 911 dispatch reported Monday that an out of town couple who called to report a car fire said they didn’t stop to help the driver or burning passengers because they were “riding dirty” and didn’t want to get in trouble.
“It’s not like we’re monsters, you know, man?” said Damien Broseph, the caller who drove by the wreck with his girlfriend in the car, Meghan Femeanist. “It’s sad that those people and their family were burning alive, but we have thirty shitty outdoor pounds from last year in our backseat that we have to worry about.”
Broseph and Femeanist were reportedly en route to Santa Rosa after picking up a bunch of moldy pounds as a last desperation plot to make some cash and finally get off of their parent’s trust fund.
Dispatch also reported that while Broseph was explaining the situation, the phone sounded as if it was grabbed from his hand in a scuffle, where Femeanist allegedly let dispatch know her female opinion was clearly the most important of the entire situation.
“As a woman, I felt that letting my boyfriend stop to help a car on the side of the road was too gender cliche, you know?” she said.
The family reportedly all died, and the hippies were later robbed by locals.
By Matt Redbeard
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CALIF. – A recent storm hit areas of the county today, leaving at least six local witches melted in the floods.