By Hugo S’Furst, Traffic Correspondent
ARCATA, CALIF. – The City Council has reached an agreement to add further instructions to all stop signs city wide after a motion for votes was brought up by concerned citizens who complained of the confusion at intersections.
“I mean, yeah, I’ve seen those red signs, but I never really knew what they meant,” said one meeting attendee, who also admitted, “I usually go whenever it feels right; sometimes I don’t really stop at all!”
When the council asked the public in attendance what they normally do when arriving at intersections with stop signs, the consensus was just to say to other drivers, “Nah, you go, bro!”
Others maintained the appropriate way to maneuver these confusing intersections is to play “a game of chicken: the dominant driver goes first while the lesser driver has to wait.”
“Why don’t we just make every intersection a roundabout, like the one at 10th and I Streets?” an Arcata resident chimed in.
It seems no one knows quite what to do at a stop sign, but one thing is for certain: traffic accidents have gone up 97 percent since Humboldt State University resumed spring classes.
Trent Brockman, Senior Science Correspondent
Humboldt County, Calif. – Winter storms are reeking havoc on North Coast highways and roads, resulting in multiple landslides and other flooding that has closed access both in and out of the county. Most effected by these recent El Nino effects are residents who have hella weed to sell.
“Sorry bro, but nothing is moving today,” said a source who requested to remain anonymous, but did mention he was calling from a burner phone on the side of 299 where he is stranded for the night with $10,000 in cash and no way to enter the county by road.
More on these frightening economic conditions as the situation develops.
By Kyle Howard and James Stephen, Contributors
After watching an online documentary about Indigenous People, a local man became worried that his fashion statement is adding to cultural appropriation. Since the viewing, he has been thinking about taking up extensive studies at the University’s library, but is still on the lookout for quick trim work.
“I don’t understand…I took an African-American Studies class in college. I thought I was better than that,” were his final statements after sharing concerns about his hair getting nappier.
Joe Jack-Off was truly unsure of whether or not if he was becoming aware of his white privilege or having an existential break down. In the end, the community just hopes this is a clear case of ignorance than can be remedied with a solid amount of political correctness.
HUMBOLDT COUNTY, CALIF. – The Board of Supervisors received a press release today, from the fat man himself:
Grow, ho, ho!
Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and whatever else is offensive this year!
Christmas is near, and Santa has but one request from all the nice boys and girls of Humboldt County…
Please, oh please, won’t you leave me some fire ass shatter by the Christmas tree this year?
That shit is expensive.
Santa is scheduled to be flying over our area sometime late on December 24, so be sure to have your butane refilled and ready to go by early evening.
For more info, and to track Santa’s flight schedule, click here.
By Matt Redbeard
FERNDALE, CALIF. – A local cow farmer was drunkenly reminiscing about school yard fights late last night, prompting the sober realization this morning that the boy he punched in elementary school was Guy Fieri, leaving the man upset with himself for not swinging harder.
Guy Fieri (pronounced “FAIRY” but changed to sound less gay, probably so people wouldn’t punch him) is originally from the cow town of Ferndale and now hosts “Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives” on the Food Network.
The farmer man’s brain exploded with the sour memory while milking his beautiful bovines alongside his bros early this morning and discussing the enlightening school conversations from the night before.
His friend was all like, “Remember you popped the firecracker shrimp in the face?” The farmer man replied,”What?” and his friend was all like,”Yep, that pretzel dweeb. You know the Guy from the TV?”
That’s when the farmer man realized the painful truth: He totally should have swung hard.
The men agreed they’d punch him harder next time they saw him, then they finished their cube pack of Coors and blew up their televisions.